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Updated: Jun 3


She is two years older than me, so and we were like twins. The way we think it's very alike and things that become our favorite, it's the same thing. She likes the same music, she likes, we like the same clothes, colors, you know, we are so close, that close.


So that's why that loss her, it's really big loss for me. At the first time, we don't know that she got a lupus. We know that she is starting to get sick more often. When I went to the U .S., I know that she is sick at that year.


So she is so depressed while I was going away and I can't imagine that she's still going to work. Her college doesn't know that she is sick. So she's trying to cover it up and she doesn't want to tell anybody and because she doesn't want to look pity, you know.


She is denial and I'm denial. I think everybody who gets worse news, first thing that they do is denial, right? So it takes a long time for her and me and my family to accept her disease.

In Indonesia, parents also make decisions for you. I decided to go to America. My mom is really upset. It doesn't mean that she want to, doesn't want me to grow. She wants me to grow. But for her, you ask, it's too far. Like, it's out of reach. I am trying to tell her that I'm going to be fine.

Even my sister, she said that to my mom. Mom, you have decided her to stay in Bangka, so let her go. And finally, I went to the U .S. Of course, they are struggling. with the sickness because at the end of the day my sister even can't walk.

So my heart and I just realized that, oh my god, did I leave her like something? She'll always say that, why? Why it have to be me? And I always say to her, maybe you were so kind and genuine. That's why, Allah our god, send you this, send you this, this is because you can handle it.

When I went back to Indonesia, her disses get worse. I don't know how many times that we have to back and forth in hospital, but she is getting worse. Until 2018, two days before I got married, people are, you know, preparing for the weddings.

And that's the last day. That's her last day when she's lying on the bed. And she asked me, “I want to see your stage,” she said. So, I take her to the wheelchair and I, I push her to see all of the settings that are already set. And she said, “oh my god that's beautiful.” You know what? I know that her eyes is blank you know when a person might see something but she's blank she doesn't you know.

It's make me sad I always say that “why you didn't smile please smile” and she said that “I'm sorry my smile already taken my god,” she said that, “I can't. I can't smile anymore.” She never smile. You know.

I cry on her on her foot, I cry so loud, “why you say that” and she said to me again, “don't worry I will, I will stay alive for you,” she said that at night before, I think two hours before she dies, she said that “I will, I will, I will get help. You don't worry,” she said that “I will, I will, I will alive tomorrow.”

I push her back to the bedroom, laying her down. She needs rest and I leave her for I have to arrange the people talking that you have to do this and that, then, when I, and I went back to her bedroom, she is already like you know, she is you know, oh my god in her last minutes, of course, I face her in last minute in, in Islam, we read her Quran. I read Quran. I cry while reading Quran. I don't know I'm crying so loud and until my mom pat my back and say that “no you shouldn't.” Because, in Islam, we cannot mourning. Yeah, like yeah… no, no, no, no, yeah we are not allowed that. We have to be hold our sad. We can sad. We can cry. But we can not really mourning, “why are you leave me?” or something like that. We are not allowed.

So, my mom said that “be strong.” She said that “this is her time. Be tough.” How? I don't know wedding supposed to be to be happy, right? At that time that my mother and I, that we are standing in front of people with the red eyes, my mom can't smile anymore.

And I don't feel like happily excitement. I just feel so flat at that time. You and her, a sister, of course. Dunia, we call it Dunia. It's over. Her business is already done, but yours not. You have to face your responsibility.

It doesn't mean that you forget her. It doesn't mean that I don’t love her. So I have to remember her. So, like feeling sad. Know that you have to continue your life.

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1 commentaire

so sad 😭

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